China Beach

After the museum, we stopped at a secluded little beach in a gorgeous SF neighborhood. If I ever lived in the city, it'd have to be here. Of course, we'd need several millions of disposable income to do so, so that'd never really happen. ;-)

Boy have I been a crappy blogger!

It's been almost a week since my last post. Totally not like me but when I think about what happened between then and now I remember I was busy and exhausted every single night.

I hosted a large holiday dinner party for a number of our close friends on Saturday night. I spent the day cleaning house, doing chores and cooking. We played games that night and I was beat by the time I went to bed, about midnight.

The next day I was pretty sore from the previous day's activities. Besides the after-math clean up, we took down our Christmas tree and decorations. (sigh) We also went shopping and bought new towels (all towels were ruined by a kitchen sink "explosion" that happened at the last minute, in the middle of my cooking on Saturday night), as well as a new garbage disposal. Our last day of "vacation" was spent handling house chores.

This week Logan returned back to school and Jon and I returned back to work. It's been challenging adjusting everyone back to our daily routine but we eventually figured it out. Logan hasn't minded returning to school (Thank God!) but what has been an interesting (and absolutely wonderful!) change, is his excitement and thrill upon seeing me pick him up at the end of the day. Before, it'd be hit or miss if he was happy to see me or not. This week has been so great. The minute he sees me, he makes a run for me, grabbing and hugging my legs, and yelling "MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!" I tell you Internets, it's the best feeling in the whole wide world and my heart just swells thinking about it. It makes me love being a parent more than anything.

Earlier this week I had a horrible nightmare. I'll spare you the gory details but essentially Logan was killed. In front of my very eyes. And I couldn't stop it in time. I screamed out but my voice was silent and gone. It was horrifying and although I knew immediately it was a dream, it still stopped my heart. The rest of the day, my memory taunted me with flashing images of that disturbing dream. I have always had pretty vivid dreams, and they were definitely more so when I was pregnant with Logan, but this one hit my core harder than any other has before. One of the not so great things about being a parent? (and being pregnant)

My body feels every pregnancy ache and stretch much more readily this time around and although I usually think I'll be just fine during delivery, I've lately been worried that I won't be as fit as last time and might have a harder time at it. Thus, I've started wearing my maternity support brace much more often (even though I hate it) and have scheduled appointments to return back to PT which I haven't been as religious about as I should have. Hopefully the change in attitude will help down the road.

The good news is, I just realized today, I have about 3 months left at the office before I slow down and work from home until the baby arrives. Having that sort of short deadline in front of me has given me a small new burst of energy! Yeehaw!

Tomorrow we leave for a quick weekend road trip down to LA to visit Jon's family and my brother. We haven't done a long road trip like this in some time, so it'll be interesting to see how Logan (and we) manage, given how much more active and mobile he has become. I'm also not sure how I'll fare with my growing belly and aching back. And because we're always up for a challenge, we are taking Lola with us as well.

Wish us luck - we will need it.

Nightmares?

Logan and I are at the park again. Doing more playing than watching Daddy at practice. ;-)

Last night Logan had a rough time sleeping, waking up crying every couple of hours. One of the times I went into his room he was face down crying into his mattress, still mostly asleep, but crying "my car! my car!". I can only imagine he was having a bad dream about someone taking away his precious car.

When I was thinking about posting on his bad dream today I realized I tend to post more about the bad than the good! Truth be told, we've been having a really good couple of weeks. Logan's finally found a rhythm at school, at home, with his sleep, etc. It's been very nice and we've all been basking in his wonderful behavior. But who wants to read about the good stuff all the time? So very boring. ;-)

Sometimes I don't like to travel

I can't say I'm a big fan of St. Louis and yet, I'm back again.

I spent the morning on client calls before saying good-bye to my sweet darling smiling son, dropping him off at school and then racing off to my flight. My friend and colleague Amanda was just chatting to me the other day about the difference between those who travel often and those who don't. She felt she landed in the "don't" category, and therefore was going to show up to her flight (she was also traveling on business this week) an hour, or hour and a half Amanda?, early. I, on the other hand, must fall into the "often" category (in Amanda's mind at least). Since, I decided to grab lunch on my way to the gate, ordering it to go, and finally waltzing up to tag the end of the line and hear our flight's last calls over the intercom.

It's a theme of mine - cutting it close.

The flight was packed, and I've been coming down with another cold (interestingly, the last time I was sick ALSO hit me during a trip to St. Louis. I think my body is telling me I must be allergic to this town. RIGHT?), so I ended up sleeping with my mouth wide open for most of the flight, the demure woman that I am. Which, was really just too bad, because my back was aching me something terrible, and yet I didn't have enough energy to stand at the back of the plane (like I usually try to do).

Halfway through the flight, we had some turbulence that was, let's just say, not insignificant. I've flown a fair number of times in my life, and turbulence has never really bothered me. Yet today, I found my mind racing, dreaming up a ridiculously bleak and dismal scene where our plane tumbles to the ground, crashing and burning in the process. Tellme would mourn the loss of two loyal employees, Stanford would mourn the loss of their Track team, and Jon would be faced with the impossible task of raising Logan on his own, trying to explain to him that his Mommy wouldn't be coming home (ever) again. I imagined how petrified I would be, plummeting to earth while it happened. And, if all that weren't appalling enough, I found myself planning out my "only" chance of survival, wondering if I could use the ridiculously obese woman taking up three seats in the row across from me, as some sort of shield to help absorb the impact. Yes, this awful awful awful thought actually crossed my mind! (I'm not proud of it)

I tell you this story only to get you to understand HOW MUCH my perspective on life has changed since having Logan. I have never been so afraid to die, so worried of what will happen to my family and friends, so concerned about my husband and son, and so willing to do anything to protect us all, as I am these days. I used to drive, or ride with those who would drive, recklessly, throwing all caution to the wind. Now I am that mom. Gripping the oh shit bar, tight lipped and slamming my foot into the floorboard to brake. I used to chat with anyone online, go out on dates with random strangers, flirt and have fun at the local bar scene or hitch-hike home in a country where I wasn't completely fluent in the language and the driver was drinking a can of beer. Now I am that mom. I see young girls posting up silly comments on blogs or streaming live video of their slumber parties and think OH HELL NO will my daughter (or son) ever be allowed to do that. I used to sleep through any amount of turbulence and scoff at those who turned green. Now I am that mom. Freaking out about a bumpy ride, praying we get through the flight safe and sound so I can see my chubby cheeked toddler once again.

It's a little depressing, this revelation of mine. And yet, it's also rejuvenating. I've always taken on a Mama Bear persona, but now that I'm actually a mom, I can let it shine through, without any embarrassment, awkwardness or explanation whatsoever.

I like it.

Somewhere between California and Missouri, after the turbulence and gruesome daydreaming subsided, I discovered I had lost one of my earrings. One of my precious diamond earrings. And, I was bummed for the rest of the night.

I can't watch TV - sorry, lost an earring. I can't read my book - sorry, lost an earring. I can't concentrate on my work - sorry, lost an earring. I can't go downstairs and hit the gym - HELLO! I just lost a, wait for it..... diamond earring!

Waaaaah. I wanna go home. I miss Jon, I miss Logan. There's this huge empty King-size bed staring at me, inviting me to sleep, yet all I can think about is how much more comfortable it would be crammed up against a big guy, a little guy, a leggy dog and three purring cats on our maxed out Queen-size bed. That and, I just lost my fucking earring.

Out of Network Providers

Note to self: next time, check if the surgery center that's doing my injections is "in" or "out".

Who knew three little injections would cost ~$20k?

In another life, I think I'd like to open a surgery center.

Or two.


On a totally unrelated note, I had the wildest dream last night, where I discovered, at the dr's office, that I was pregnant. And, I honestly can't say if I was more excited, or more freaked, about the news.

Through the Looking Glass

Dear Zabuton,

I remember you saying once you'd need to create, or rather top, your treehouse project at Shawn and Bruce's, so Logan would have something similarly fun to play on when visiting. Or perhaps, I dreamt that too....

Anyway, the mother of all dreams took hold of me last night.

I imagined a wonderland that you built for Logan and all the grandkids that can't be beat. Let's see if I can adequately describe what my imagination drew up. :)

My dream first started with the steps up to your house. You had constructed a wooden frame (very solid, sturdy, definitely your work Dad) with covered canopy around the step. A vestibule around what would be your porch -- adding protection Zafu said, which you needed from the recent hurricane we had last night (??) -- and behind you at the top of the landing, was a wall of shelves filled with an entire CD and DVD collection (HUGE!) for guests and kids to peruse, as well as a door to go outside.

But to the LEFT of the top of the landing was, what I later discovered, the entrance to Logan's Looking Glass.

At first glance, it was just a wine cellar with dry ice to keep things cool (in and of itself pretty neat). Small and cave like. The type that dwarves would like.

Upon second glance, it had transformed into a stately room that seemed to stretch on for miles. At the other end were floor to ceiling windows which brought in an amazing amount of light. You could see the cars on the street passing by just beyond (and apparently, no longer a wine cellar!). The room was some sort of cafeteria or kitchen with all sorts of sweets and goodies, and a line of children out the door.

When walking just a bit past these kids, there was a wide entry way to the right that opened up to a HUGE laundry room with several washers and dryers for the visiting college students ;-) and beyond that a playground in an open courtyard which Logan was crawling around on.

Outside in the back, was a carnival circus of sorts - a kid's Disneyland - complete with a train and "roller coaster" ride. The roller coaster was interesting, actually quite small (it was in your backyard after all), with one single piston that pushed the kids front and backwards alongside the train, mimicking its wheels' motion. It was still taped off because it had not yet passed all city permits ;-) but that didn't seem to stop all the neighborhood kids who were lined up in the spiraling staircase next to the ride. These kids were tickled pink to ride it too, because tho a simple ride, it dumped them upside down in WATER, twirling them around before coming back up (yet somehow they were all dry as a bone afterwards).

There were booths and balloons a plenty -- the colors of orange and black and red and gold only. Yet it still felt very vibrant, fun and colorful. This children's paradise (and your property) all looked down a small narrow gully to the city below (I guess your house moved to the mountains somehow).

As for the adults, they had their play areas too. There was a golf course behind the rides and a section inside which looked like a fish and spice market to stir fry those fresh bean sprouts that were growing in big tubs in the sinks near the laundry room.

There were hoards of kids everywhere, running around playing games galore and happy with glee. I really wanted you to show me the rest of your park....

And then Logan woke me up.

So, when does the construction begin?

Eagerly awaiting the plans,
Mama Bree, Jonathan and Loganito

Dream Big

I meant to blog earlier today when I woke up so I could capture all the nuances of this crazy dream I had last night, but alas, I have a temperamental sensitive son who demands my attention pretty much 24x7.

So, this will have to be a shortened version of my dream sequence -- I was getting new cabinetry for my kitchen and the rest of the house too. And, there was this cool software that I could load up on the computer which, after selecting the cabinets I wanted to buy, would then automagically TRANSFORM the entire house's cabinets into that design.... I could see the cabinetry in "real life" so to speak, in the actual rooms of my house, and walk around the home to decide if they were a "fit" or not, with the rest of the decor, before buying them. (Side note: the house I was walking through in my dream wasn't actually my current home but some magnificent mansion that was absolutely beautiful, big with spacious rooms and high-domed ceilings.)

Now I ask you -- if there was a type of software that existed out there, that could give you an accurate holographic 3-d representation of a product already *in* your home, would you buy it and/or use it to help you make a decision about the product you were considering purchasing?

Everyone raise your hands! C'mon now. Raise them. Raaaaiiiise them.....