Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Dry as a (milk) bone

I'm no longer nursing Logan. :( I pulled back to about once a day a week or so ago and by last week, I had stopped all together. I'm still feeding him what frozen breast milk I have left over, but that's it.

This change is not really by choice -- you all know how I've struggled with breast feeding since day one. But, I suppose all good things must come to an end. Unfortunately my milk supply has been slowly decreasing. And, with Logan's growing appetite, he has been getting more and more impatient when I'd try to nurse. My milk wouldn't let down fast enough for him, so he'd pitch a fit and stop all together. I'd move to a bottle next, just to get something in him, and there you have it. The vicious cycle. The less he would nurse, the less I produced, even when trying to pump and store it, and before long there was nothing left to pump or give him the next time around.


There is a (small) part of me that rejoices. No more excuses that I have to be the middle-of-the-night comforter to nurse and rock Logan back to sleep. No more biting, tugging, gnawing. No more lugging around a pump to work, finding a slot of time throughout the day where I can steal away and squeeze my tits dry and emerge from the windowless closet, say hi to a co-worker who walks past me in the hallway, with pump slung on my back, acting like I didn't just spend the last 30 minutes massaging my breasts. No more confrontations with nasty security guards at the airport. No more UNSEXY nursing bras.

Lookout world -- I finally have my boobs back!

But, most of the time, like tonight, I miss being able to breastfeed Logan into a deep slumber. I miss cozying and cuddling together. I miss the Mommy/Baby selfish only-me-and-him time. So instead, I take time to rock him to sleep. To hug him and pat him and sing him lullabies and smile down on his precious little face, vigorously sucking on his tongue with his eyes closed and rubbing his head into my arm or chest or shoulder to find that perfect little spot.

My little boy is growing up.

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