Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Would you like some cheese with that w(h)ine?

Stress usually motivates me and keeps me going, but last week it knocked me over, straddled me and mercilessly pummeled me deeper into the ground. I felt suffocated, overwhelmed, tired and emotional. I was quickly unraveling at the seams and felt like giving up.

Uncle, Uncle! Stop beating me into submission. I'm done.

Looking back, we had a lot going on to tip me over the edge. I visited with a neurosurgeon about possible back surgery which was upsetting, not because of potentially going under the knife (which is upsetting in and of itself) but because he wouldn't. My case isn't clear cut (ha!) enough and he wants to run several more tests first to get a better diagnosis. I left his office in tears, more frustrated than ever. And really wishing House actually did exist. Perhaps he could at least figure out what the hell is wrong with my broken back. (It was also frustrating since I couldn't seem to connect with my hot-shit doctor who seemed more robot than human and, I really need to connect with the guy who may be cutting into my back...)

Every single night, Jon had to work late. Extremely late. Like, not only missing dinner and putting Logan to bed and spending some quality time with me late, but crawling into bed at 4am late. Consistently. My husband was having an affair with his work and I missed him.

Logan came down with a 24-hour fever. He wasn't eating and kept waking up throughout the night. He insisted on being rocked, held and comforted. Because Jon was working late hours (see above), he barely had energy to shut off the lights before stumbling to bed. Because I was the primary caretaker and keeping the house in order each night after work, I barely had energy to lock the doors before calling it a night. (I just noticed yesterday that his lower right canine tooth may be working its way through; not sure I'm looking forward to more teething right now!)

Once Jon's work calmed down, he headed off to the gaming conference that he had planned on attending many moons ago. But, because of the rough week, late nights and feverish child, I wasn't sure I could juggle caring for Logan on my own for a full day, let alone two or three. It was the start of a long weekend and I was already losing steam.

We were also dog sitting our friends' two yellow labs, I was working both early and late hours managing two big client launches and attending an all day training.

Oh! Let's not forget about my chronic back pain. It hasn't gone away, I just don't talk about it. What's there to talk about? It's still around, nagging and annoying me in every way possible but slowly becoming a part of my "normal" life. I'm actually handling the pain fairly well, but it's mentally exhausting and can really wear you down after awhile. (It's worse when Aunt Flow visits and of course, she hit me over the head this weekend as well. Yippeee!)

But all of that was a walk in the park compared to the emotional roller coaster ride that literally turned our marriage upside down the minute Jon and I started arguing over discussing our Estate Planning questionnaire the other night (because who really wants to talk about when you die, really?). And before you know it, Jon and I had one of the larger fights of the century our relationship.

Several hours later, after we had both calmed down, we talked late into the night. We ended up talking about how stressful the last week had been for me; how hard it was on us, on our marriage. I got weepy (again). And just as I launched into specifics of my neurosurgeon visit, asking Jon "what do you think?" I heard the familiar snoring and catching of his breath.

Jon had fallen asleep.

Given the fight we had just been through and the opening up that I was doing, I suppose any normal person would have been pissed at their husband falling asleep mid-conversation. But you know what? I didn't care. I was glad we were back to talking (even if he fell asleep on me!). And, more than that, it actually felt good to get a lot of my concerns, my fears, my stress, off my chest.

I fell asleep exhausted, but smiling knowing we were already in a better state than just a few hours previously, and hey! we managed to clean out a bulk of the garage (true Spring cleaning) earlier that day which was amazing, so take THAT Mr. Stress! Maybe I'm not giving up that easily, after all.

I guess sometimes you just need a mini-breakdown to right yourself back on course.


Jennifer said...

Wow! It sounds like you are in some serious need of a massage!!! Jarrod and I are working on putting together our trust also and it is tough to talk about all worst case scenarios. But, heaven forbid something happens, it will be good to have in place. This weekend we should get a yummy dessert. :)

Diane R. Stewart said...

I won't touch most of that, but I was reminded that the neurosurgeon who did my back surgery some years ago (considered a god of neurosurgery in LA), was totally without a speck of human kindness. Maybe it's a characteristic of the breed. Sorry to hear your back is still so painful!

Choun Family said...

whew, bree, that's a lot for anyone to withstand. good on you for landing on your feet. I'm here whenever you need to vent : )

Chelsea said...

Ummm I could have written a large part of this post. It sucks being the primary caregiver doesn't it? Partnerships are a GOOD thing.

Leo said...

who's aunt flow?

Just kidding. :)