Last Friday evening, Logan and I were lounging around in the new living area, which we all just L-O-V-E. I set Logan down in between some pillows on our (new) couch, and crossed the room, about 5 ft away, to put something away. I was watching/talking to him the entire time, and in the split second that I was out of arm's reach, he did a triple axel and PLOP. Rolled off the couch and landed on the rug. Of course, he was startled and cried -- took me a few minutes to calm him down -- he was pretty shaken up yet TOTALLY fine. Part of me thought, Jeez. What a drama queen. The other part of me said, poor little guy and, WHAT was I thinking?!?! Stupid mommy! (I really should have known better than that....)
This is actually not the first time he's fallen. And, it's amazing how much my demeanor about the fall this past Friday has changed, vs. the first time he fell. I was so traumatized - and embarrassed - by the event the first time he fell, that I didn't blog about it back then. The only thing I've left out of my "online journal" actually. Yet, I still remember it vividly like it was yesterday. But, I can at least talk about it now (I couldn't breathe a word about it when it happened).... so I'll tell you all my little secret.
Logan had just turned one month old. He was still such a wee little thing. Super precious of course. Still in his brace at the time, and fussy as all hell, keeping us up at odd hours throughout the night (ahhh, the good ol' days). He fell asleep so easily laying on my chest that I would usually nurse him in bed, then pat and rock him on my chest until he fell asleep. Once asleep, I'd lay him either in the bassinet near our bed, or in between Jon and I and go to sleep myself. Well, on this particular night, I must have dozed off while still patting him to sleep -- because the next thing I knew, I woke up to the most terrible THUD you could ever hear as a brand new mama. In lightening speed, I was out of bed and picking Logan off the floor -- it was horrifying for me to see his little body so helpless and still, lying face down on the floor. It took him a few seconds to realize what happened, fast asleep himself, but once he figured it out, he let out the most awful ear piercing wail a mother could bear.
When I had jumped out of bed, I screamed something along the lines of oh shit -- which woke Jon up too of course.... and he started yelling "oh-my-god-oh-my-god-oh-my-god". It didn't really help the situation but I suppose in times like this, you quickly learn who's better at handling emergency situations (me). ;-) Jon ran to the kitchen, cabinet doors banging, while I was rocking and comforting our little guy to let him know he was ok. I had no clue what Jon was doing, but later found out he was looking for a bag to put some ice in, for Logan's head. :)
Once Logan stopped crying (which I remember thinking was surprisingly fast), he just wanted to nurse and go back to sleep. He seemed to be fine, but we were a little nervous and wanted to make sure he didn't have a concussion or anything serious from the fall (our bed is pretty tall and of course, he fell onto the hardwood floor). So, as I was nursing him, I logged online to start researching what you should do when your baby falls (as it turns out, this happens ALL THE TIME to LOTS of moms!!) -- while Jon got on the phone to call the on-call nurse.
I was pretty upset on the inside, but outwardly calm with Logan in my arms. Strange how that is - mother instinct perhaps? I walked through a series of questions with the nurse - the biggest being, was he able to nurse/suck (why yes, he's nursing right now) and could he put his head down touching his chin to his chest (yep, he was able to do that too). I didn't know it at the time but that's a sign that tells you if he's hurt his neck or not (his neck will be stiff and unable to bend down if he's hurt). The nurse said he should be ok from the fall, not to worry, and if he continued to behave normally after the next 24 hrs, we shouldn't worry about it.
It was strange how different Jon and I behaved after that. I was ultra calm during "the incident". Jon freaked out, but once he could see Logan was fine and the nurse said not to worry, he turned on his heels and trotted back to bed. So what did I do?? I *then* had my meltdown. ;-) I lost it -- screaming at Jon to come back here, how could you leave like that?, we need to watch him every second to make sure he's ok, this was a huge thing that just happened to us, how could you just go back to bed?, etc. etc.
He calmed me down - repeated what the nurse had said, that Logan would be just fine. And, told me this is just the first of many falls and heartaches that we are going to have to endure with this little guy. He was right -- we both went to bed, with little Logan safe between us in my arms.
The next day - we decided it was time to buy a co-sleeper, so that if he DID roll off the bed again, he'd roll into the co-sleeper, and/or I could put him in that rather than the bassinet (which I didn't like using too much because I had to get out of bed to put him in it and/or sit up in bed to check on him in the middle of the night). At first I was resistant to buying YET ANOTHER baby item for our house, but in the end, it was one of the best purchases we could have made. I absolutely loved the co-sleeper -- I could check on him throughout the night while still lying in bed myself, he was within arm's reach for me to pat his back when he got a little fussy, I could easily pick him up to nurse him throughout the night and/or lay him back down once he had fallen back to sleep. Once he started sleeping in his crib in his own room (about 3 months old), I actually had the hardest time of everyone, adjusting to the change. I suppose I had just gotten really used to sleeping in between my two favorite guys.
It took me many days, perhaps even a week? I'm not sure, to recover from Logan's accident. I felt I had failed him as a mother -- he was completely helpless and 100% dependent on me, and there I had gone and fallen asleep while he was still on my chest, and let him fall from the bed. I was ridden with guilt. He wasn't big enough to catch himself in the fall, nor understand what had happened, and that just killed me inside. It was really hard for me to accept that I had dropped him, no matter how exhausted I was or unintentional the accident may have been. I still blamed myself for being so careless!
However, I feel I am finally past it and am able to talk about what happened and share the story with other Mommys (hey look, I'm even blogging about it!). I've come to realize I'm not the only Mom who has slipped up once or twice thank goodness and, we can't be perfect, no matter how hard we try. These kids of ours are pretty tough and resilient -- I suppose it's nature's way of accommodating for the inevitable accident here and there. Of course, now that "the incident" is long behind us, Jon teases me from time to time about how I "THREW him off the bed". Nice. But, we smile and laugh and make light of the situation as best we can. We are, after all, still learning this whole parenting thing.
So, now you know my dirty little secret. I may have ruined Logan's chances at becoming a rocket scientist, but he could easily still be president.
And, I am okay with that.